Words By Cristina Byrne
A wave of emergency floods not only our feeds and the media but our daily lives. A very contagious virus called COVID-19 is currently running the world (Beyoncé might want to change her lyrics) and teaching us how to do Tony Hawk’s signature move (a 900-degree spin in midair).
We are bombarded with reminders to wash our hands, how to wash our hands, and don’t touch our face, things I thought we already knew before we even went to school.
We are suppose to be practicing social distancing but wouldn’t it be technically called physical distancing? But what do I know, I never paid attention in school.
People are scared while others, like those young and untouchable spring breakers, are YOLOING it up! If you think about it, there is a bit of irony behind “You Only Live Once.” Do whatever you want because you only live once but you can’t do whatever you want because you only live once. Either way, if Drake copyrighted that phrase he could have been retired from rapping already.
People are clinging on to whatever they can but more so to TOLIET PAPER...?! I would like to understand the thinking behind the fear of not being able to wipe your own ass! But I guess if it all goes to shit it would make the most sense! Has anyone in the media actually interviewed someone who was partaking in this act of nonsense? They have created followers to pursue leaving the rest of us to use corn husks like “the good old days” you know, natures way. We really should just make bidets a thing and skip the TP all together, it’s only creating MORE waste. Plus, we are clogging the toilets people and no it’s NOT all that TP – it’s those damn Clorox wipes that are being flushed away.
Grocery stores have become bare as consumers buy all the meat, pork, chicken and even liver leaving some of us to become forced vegetarians during these times of combat (we “need” our animal protein)! Pasta has been wastefully spilled on the floor, rice and beans have not been seen, potatoes are at a scarce and the sweet potatoes are not successfully found. Which left those who didn’t get first DIBS with no option but to buy that “expensive organic crap.”
Americans’ food options have been limited; will we ever take advantage of our options again? During times of war, people became resourceful with their meals learning how to make the food stretch. Luckily, in the 21st century, we have a thing called TAKE OUT #supportyourlocalbuisnesses ya’ll!
And the bare shelving doesn’t mean a shortage of food; it only APPEARS that way but don’t worry, we will most likely run out of money before we run out of food in the U.S of A.
Thousands are now out of work but there is plenty of beer and wine to go around for the whole neighborhood, enough apples to make granny’s famous apple pie, and of course gourmet cheeses because nobody is having any fancy parties these days. There is also plenty of fruits and veggies which is to no surprise because who likes to eat them anyways?! We are all about that East Coast Carb Diet (pizza, pasta, donuts, and bagels).
Be careful what you read, what you hear, and what you spread (no pun intended) because that’s how rumors get started (or #fakenews) like pets getting COVID-19, I actually called my vet and asked because she would know NOT the internet.
But of course with all madness there is goodness or with all mayhem comes yayhem (Yup, I am making up a word).
From Shakira’s Instagram’s: “So proud of the positive efforts of companies in these difficult times, like my partners at Puig, who’ve turned over their perfume factory to the production of vital hand sanitizer to donate to the Spanish government. A great example of doing social good. I hope it inspires other companies” to Microbreweries, Motor Companies, and more factories nationwide are halting their usual production to do their part. News also reports since weddings and birthdays are getting canceled due to our need to social distance people have gotten creative and starting celebrating with drive-by parades. Musicians giving out free concerts to keeps us all at bay.
Parents are now forced to stay at home with their children and understand what teachers deal with on a daily basis, thank God the only kid you have to deal with is your own. We are figuring out our creative hobbies and even though this isn’t “vacation time” you now have the time to work on that “Million Dollar Idea.”
No more excuses and no more complaints about not having enough time “to do whatever”! Folks you asked for it and now you got it, so do something about it!
Lots of babies might be conceived, learning how to consume only what you need, and realize that ‘Netflix and Chill’ is now getting old because there is only so much tube one can see. And all this time we didn’t take advantage of going outside, maybe we should rethink how we use our time.
Will there be a rain check on the St Patty’s Day parade?
People are slinging mask instead of dope out in L.A, two ladies stand on opposite sides of the road talking to each other on the phone while still getting in their 10,000 steps for the day.
And let’s NOT talk about the political climate, pa-pa-please! It all just sounds the same to me.
I naturally question, what businesses are booming? How will the afterlife of COVID-19 be? Should I change my career path to something that is “more of necessity”? You know like one of them “real jobs” with a 401K? Maybe I should be a salesperson and sell whatever is “of need.”
Tom Brady is no longer a Patriot, Justin Bieber has an album called ‘Changes,’ and Warren Buffett handed over his keys.
Hmm…there has been a change of breeze.
To quote my 87-year-old Grandma, “Everyone is crazy, except for me!” and proceeds with a laugh.
What a hoot this is and so is she and so are all we.
P.s. I am still looking for work and the humor is free!